


The Fear of the Carta

by karathegoddess



Category: Dragon Age, dragon age inquisiton
Genre: Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - The Wrath of Heaven, F/M, Fluff, Personal Growth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25743307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karathegoddess/pseuds/karathegoddess
Summary: Shoshanah Cadash isn't very good about opening up. Her defense against the world is empty threats with her reputation in the Carta to back them up. However she'd not nearly as mean as she seems. Who better than her fellow dwarf and all time favourite author to help her open up?(Time skips, but will still be in linear game order)
Relationships: Female Cadash/Varric Tethras, Female Inquisitor/Varric Tethras, Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus
Kudos: 2





	1. The Good Carta Dwarf

Shoshanah Cadash stared at the enormous swelling green hole, that seemed to be on a quest to devour the sky. The breach grew wider causing the mark on Shoshanah’s hand to spark. She cried out as the shooting pain spread from the mark down her forearm past her elbow to her shoulder, the excruciating feeling somehow vibrating in her jaw. Her knees buckled as Cassandra turned at the commotion.  
“Each time the Breach expands, your mark spreads, and it is killing you. It may be the key to stopping this but there isn’t much time.” Cassandra explained.  
“I understand.” Shoshanah said without missing a beat  
“Then…?”  
“I’ll do what I can. Whatever it takes.” Shoshanah said immediately with a determination Cassandra couldn’t help but respect. Well as much as you could respect a member of an organized crime syndicate who blew up the Conclave. The Seeker pulled the dwarf to her feet, and guided her through the angry mob of people. Some giving her dirty looks, others going as far as throwing things at her. Shoshanah knew Cassandra was speaking, but couldn’t hear over the racist insults being hurled at her. Once they were past the gates Cassandra frowned.  
“Until the Breach is sealed,” She paused, slicing the rope that bound Shoshanah’s hands. “There will be a trial. I can promise no more.”  
“I don’t care about a stupid trial. I just need to close that fucking thing.” Shoshanah said, rubbing her wrists to regain the circulation in her hands. Cassandra didn’t care for her tone, but the dwarf had a point. A trial would be the least of her concern at the current. They sprinted through the gate on the way to the valley. “My Boss is going to be pissed. That thing is going to be bad for business.” Shoshanah sighed, wincing at even the thought of her mother’s wrath.  
“Of course that is all a Carta thug can think about,” Cassandra hissed. “Do you even care for any of these people who have died?” Shoshanah continued to jog, her eyes falling over every body they passed. A pang of guilt surged through her chest with each one. She had to fight to keep her stony expression upon seeing a small child like a corpse clinging to an adult. No. Shoshanah was a carta thug. She needed to suck up and act like one, not only for her own safety, but Cassandra’s as well.  
“Can’t afford to.” Shoshanah lied. But her long pause and the sorrow that coated her words, hadn’t gone unnoticed by Cassandra. They hustled to a bridge and after another mark flared up, Shoshanah decided to ask something that had been nagging her.  
“How did I survive the blast?” If everyone else had exploded in a horrific death, why was it her of all people that survived. The place was full of way better people. Good, honest, innocent people just trying to make a difference in the world.  
“They say you stepped out of the rift and fell unconscious. They say a woman was in the rift behind you. No one knows who she was-” Cassandra was interrupted by a blast from the breach that left both women's ears ringing and the stone beneath them began to fall away leaving the two in the terrifying sensation of falling.  
Shoshanah rolled away just in time to avoid a large piece of rubble. It crushed through the pond’s thick layer of ice as though it were parchment. Cassandra sprang to her feet.  
“Stay behind me!” She ordered, charging a demon, but another began to rise from a puddle of black and green guck. Shoshanah wasted no time finding a sword attached to a dead soldier's hip. She cursed and muttered a combination of apologies and prayer as she tried to retrieve the weapon. Shoshanah’s numb fingers fumbled with the buckle. She punched the demon with a bare fist causing it to hiss and stumble back, buying enough time to free the weapon from it’s previous owner. Shoshanah slashed the Shade causing a copper scented liquid to squirt her face. She hurried over to Cassandra, finishing off her own demon.  
“It’s over. You hurt?” Shoshanah asked, consciously trying not to sound concerned. She was greeted with the blade of Cassandra’s sword.  
“Drop your weapon now!”  
“Alright,” Shoshanah growled. “Have it your way.” Shoshanah made a scene throwing the sword down on the ice angrily with a clatter. Cassandra was confused by the dwarf’s reaction. The prisoner had complied immediately, but pretending she wasn’t or at the least was making things difficult, Cassandra was unsure how to feel. She shook her head and sighed.  
“Wait. I cannot protect you and I cannot expect you to be defenseless.” She started to leave, but turned back abruptly. “I should remember you agreed to come willingly.” Cassandra almost thought she was imagining the small shy smile on the dwarf’s face.  
Shoshanah and Cassandra fought their way through droves of demons, until they reached a steep drop followed by a clearing with a group of soldiers fighting tooth and nail against Shades and Wraiths. They seemingly poured through a smaller Breach like a thick soup.  
Shoshanah wasted no time jumping down, ignoring the sharp sting in her feet. She thrusted her sword in front of an injured soldier blocking a Shades claws from him. She plunged the blade into the Shade’s ribs or at least what she assumed would be closest to ribs. Demon anatomy wasn’t exactly an area of expertise for a Carta dwarf. Shoshanah focused on getting the two other injured soldiers under cover and demanded them to flee as soon as they were able. Cassandra and another dwarf gave her cover as she carried or dragged wounded soldiers away from the battle. The more able soldier Shoshanah had saved earlier, helped support another as they hurried away from the rift.  
After a swift beheading of a Shade, Shoshanah flinched as someone clasped her left wrist. They pulled sharply, the force so great she heard her shoulder cry out as her feet were lifted off the ground.  
“Quickly! Before more come through!” The elf screamed, plunging Shoshanah’s hand into the rift. Shoshanah tried to focus and thought about closing the green spiked ball of magic. Her mark sparked a stream towards it. The excruciating pain returned and washed over her entire arm once again. Shoshanah felt a release in pressure and the rift was gone. Shoshanah twisted and wrenched herself from the elf’s grasp. He had an apologetic look on his face, as though he had clearly intended to put her down more gently.  
“What did you do?” She demanded.  
“I did nothing, the credit is yours.”  
“I closed that thing? How?” Shoshanah asked, staring at the space the rift had previously occupied.  
“Whatever magic opened the Breach in the sky also placed that mark upon your hand. I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts that opened in the Breach’s wake - and it seems I was correct.”  
“Meaning it could also close the Breach itself.” Cassandra proposed. The elf nodded.  
“Possibly,” He turned back to look down at Shoshanah. “It seems you hold the key to our salvation.”  
“Not that she cares.” Cassandra muttered.  
“Good to know!” The dwarf ignored Cassandra’s comment. “And here I thought we’d be ass deep in demons forever. Varric Tethras: Rogue, Story teller, and occasionally unwelcome tag along.” He grinned and winked up at Cassandra. Cassandra scowled. Shoshanah struggled to contain her excitement.  
“I’m sorry, Varric Tethras as in Hard in Hightown author Varric Tethras?” Her mission to sound bored most definitely failed. Varric laughed. Cassandra and the elf appeared flabbergasted. Shoshanah wished she could kick herself. She decided she was in too deep and may as well go all the way.  
“I suppose this isn’t an appropriate time to ask for an autograph.” She joked. Varric’s amusement only grew.  
“If you close that thing, I’ll give you a hundred.” He smiled. Shoshanah felt the blood rush to her cheeks. She was grateful when the elf inserted himself.  
“I am Solas if there are to be introductions. I am pleased to see you still live.”  
“Um, thanks…?” Shoshanah shrugged, bewildered by his wording. Varric smiled and shook his head.  
“He means, ‘I kept that mark from killing you while you slept’.” He translated.  
“You seem to know a great deal about all this.” Shoshanah gestured vaguely toward the mark.  
“Solas is an apostate, well versed in such matters.” Cassandra explained.  
“Technically all mages are apostates now, Cassandra. My travels have allowed me to learn much of the Fade. Far beyond any circle mage. I came to offer whatever help I can. Given the nature of the Breach, if it is not closed we are all doomed regardless of origin.”  
“If I can close the Breach, I will.” Shoshanah replied with the same fire in her eyes Cassandra had seen earlier. “By the way, Solas, I’m giving you a pass since your actions did close the rift. But don’t touch me ever again.” Shoshanah warned. She sounded intimidating. Mean even. But it would be best if Solas would not grab her in that regard as she has become dangerously close to stabbing him as an instinctive reaction. Shoshanah didn’t know him, but between risking his freedom to help with the Breach and the knowledge he appeared to possess about the magic involved, he had already earned her respect.  
“Apologies. When trying to prevent demons from pouring out of the Fade my priority should have been your comfort.” He sneered. “I must admit I am curious as to what you would do if I were to grab your arm again.” Solas towered over her, but Shoshanah still managed to to peer down on him.  
“Why don’t you try and find out,” She said through gritted teeth. Before Cassandra and Varric could move to seperate them, Shoshanah hastily added. “But, not until after we sew the sky back together.” She turned and walked away, continuing on the path to the forward camp. She stole a glance back, but Solas accepted her temporary truce with no difficulties. Shoshanah hoped no one realized she hadn’t wanted to fight and wouldn’t have actually escalated the situation. But she was certain Solas felt the same way.  
The path led to swarms of demons they all worked together to fight. Varric had some issues reloading his crossbow, while a wraith was backing him into a wall, until Shoshanah wrenched her blade out of a Shade and with a few deadly swings, the wraith dissipated like a fire smoke. Varric seemed almost surprised.  
“So let me guess: Fellow surface dwarf? Maybe part of the Carta?” Varric asked.  
“What makes you say that?” Shoshanah used her sleeve to wipe away the unnaturally back blood off her sword.  
“I can tell a proper Orzammar dwarf from twenty paces. But at the same time, your whole regard for other people's lives does put the Carta part into question. Yet, you do have that shifty smuggler look to you.”  
“I’m not the only one with a shifty smuggler look.” Shoshanah snorted, raising her brows. That and the large grin displayed her dimples and shifted her scars. Her face was covered in a variety of them. Big, little, deep, shallow. Some mostly healed, some looked pretty fresh. Varric’s writer’s brain wanted to know the story behind every one. A few of Shoshanah’s thick copper curls had fallen loose from her intricate braid in the previous fight. It was Varric’s turn to blush.  
“Varric did not destroy the Conclave.” Cassandra pointed out. He felt bad seeing the playful accusatory face disappear back into her stoney expression.  
“That you know of! We shifty smuggler types can be tricky.” He joked. Varric felt better seeing even just the corner of Shoshanah’s mouth move into a shy half smile. “So fellow shifty smuggler, what’s your name?”  
“Cadash, Shoshanah Cadash.” Varric paused a few moments, rolling the name in his head before the familiarity of it clicked and he couldn’t stop himself from laughing.  
“Shit, of course.”  
“We’ve met?” She flushed a shade shy of her hair, clearly trying to wrack up a memory of sorts. She would have remembered meeting her favourite author in the world. Unless she’d been so excited, her mind had entirely ceased to function?  
“Not exactly. But Seeker, Congratulations. You managed to get the least scary criminal of all times. I know for a fact she’s innocent.” He said confidently. Shoshanah tried not to show any tells. He couldn’t know. Nobody was supposed to know.  
“What the hell are you talking about, Varric?” Cassandra demanded.  
“You don’t get it. Shoshanah Cadash is the first of her kind. She’s a good Carta dwarf.” Shoshanah kept her eyes on the ground and focused on the pace she had set to jog.  
“No, Varric, don’t.”  
“I’ve got a little spy network set up in Kirkwall. One of my contacts had to go to Ostwick for a few days on some of my business and he ended up getting a front row seat to a Lyrium smuggling rondevu point. He heard the name Cadash get tossed around, but then he was spotted. Some Lady ordered none other than our Shoshanah Cadash to chase him down.”  
“Veata, Varric! Stop.” Shoshanah insisted.  
“You let him go?” Solas asked.  
“Ahh, that would be selling her far too short. She not only chased him down, reassured him that she wasn’t going to hurt him for several minutes. But then proceeded to give him documents, new identity, passage on a boat to a safe house, even bought food for his journey. Then of course this guy stumbled all the way back to Kirkwall to me, told me everything. I figured, if she had wanted to kill him she would have. So, I told him to do what this Shoshanah Cadash had said.”  
“Varric.” Shoshanah sighed with growing agitation.  
“Had some of my other contacts do some research. The only thing anyone knew about the Cadash family was that they were terrifying. If you heard the Cadash family wasn’t happy with you, may as well pick out your tombstone. Turned out Shoshanah wasn’t into her family’s lifestyle. Only Carta member I know who’s never killed an innocent person. And she does this for everyone she can, accidently tangled by Carta's web. That Safehouse she sent my guy to, was one of twenty three and that’s only what we found. About seven months later she told him it was safe to resurface.”Cassandra and Solas remained silent for some time processing the story.  
“How is Denan?” Shoshanah asked curiously.  
“He went back to work for me and he’s got a wife and a second kid on the way I think.” Varric informed happily. Shoshanah never usual got to find out how the people she tried to help were doing once the Carta was off their tail. It would be far too dangerous for both the person and herself to be seen talking to them. To know that just once, her actions had led to a man being able to continue his life and be in a good place. It spread a warmth through Shoshanah that could fight even against the mountain’s snowy climate.  
“Careful, now, Shoshanah. Keep up a smile like that and someone might think you care about what happens to people.” Varric joked. Shoshanah bit down on her cheeks as punishment and snapped back into her thug persona.  
“Terrific, I'm genuinely thrilled for him. Can you shut your fucking mouth now?!”  
“Relax, I don’t think the demons are going to tell your family about you.” Varric reassured. Shoshanah felt panic rising in her stomach at the mention of her Clan. Considering she was planning on escaping again, she wouldn’t doubt for a second one of her Mother’s spies had followed.  
“That was very noble of you.” Solas nodded.  
“This is a good thing, why would you wish to hide this? I do not understand.” Cassandra inquired. Shoshanah was scared, but expressed it as fuming.  
“No, you don’t understand! Knowing what I’ve been up to. Puts you in danger because of my affairs!”  
“Perhaps, but knowing this could aid the trial to your favour.” Solas suggested.  
“What difference would it make!?” Shoshanah said.  
“It could change the outcome of the trial significantly-” Cassandra insisted.  
“Okay fine. Let’s say, hypothetically, I survive closing the Breach. Awesome. Oh wait no, now there’s a trial and considering my only defence is ‘I can’t remember’ I think it’s pretty safe to assume I’ll be executed. Now if by some miracle and I mean miracle, I survive both the Breach and the Trial I would what? Go back to the Carta? If a mere writer, a-a brilliant writer, but if a mere writer with a hobby of a spymaster can figure out what I’ve been doing, you can damn well guarantee that my Mother knows by now. Or my psychotic brother would know, who would tell my Mother. So she’ll either send assassins or much much worse she’ll come to murder me herself. And worst of all, if all of you know about this she’ll probably find out one way or another and have you killed too. So, again, what difference would it make?!”  
The only response to Shoshanah’s outburst was silence. The chilly wind whistled and the snow fell quietly around them. All that could be heard were the short pants and the soft crush of snow as they continued to jog the path. All of them knew Shoshanah was right. She had clearly already prepared to die sometime within the next few weeks. Be it the Breach, the trial, or her family, Shoshanah knew she was doomed. Somehow the threat of death didn’t scare. Or at least not nearly as much as the danger Varric, Solas, and Cassandra would be in knowing what Varric revealed. She hoped Lantos decoded her message and was on the way to one of the safehouses by now. But what if he isn't? Shoshanah’s stomach knotted in a thousand different places at the thought. She took out her frustrations on a Shade demon. Varric feared Cassandra’s lack of reaction.  
“Seeker, you can’t blame her for being a little tense-” he started  
“No, it is true. What she said is true.” She admitted. She paused. “And for what it’s worth - I am sorry.”  
“Thank you, Cassandra.”  
“About the assassins or your Mother murdering us…?” Varric asked cautiously.  
“It won’t happen.” Cassandra said with such a finality Shoshanah almost believed it. Almost. She remembered why she had gone to the Conclave in the first place. She even recalled talking with the Divine herself. Shoshanah handed her the chest of lyrium.  
“What would you have me pay?” The Divine had asked, but Shoshanah simply shook her head.  
“Nothing. Consider it a donation.” The Divine’s eyes widened.  
“This is quite a general amount of lyrium, My Lady. Are you sure you-”  
“Positive.”  
“Then you have my gratitude. This will enable many healers to save more lives.” Shoshanah turned to leave, but hesitated. “Something troubles you, no?”  
Shoshanah remembered her brother stabbing the little boy over and over again. That moment. She had frozen at the order to murder the child. The Dasher, her brother, followed through with a cruelty that made Shoshanah nauseous. She wondered if she should have killed the boy. At least she could’ve made it quick and painless. She felt like more of a monster to leave the boy, she didn’t know the fucking name of, lying in his own blood, his salty tears streaming down his face. It was that moment, Shoshanah had decided once and for all, she was leaving the Carta and the Cadash Clan. For good. She’d make sure Lantos was out of there too. Over her dead body, would he get held hostage to force her to come back again.  
“I’ve done wrong. Or I’ve let wrong happen. They are one in the same more often than not. Is it...is it ever truly possible to redeem oneself from a life like that…” Shoshanah choked back tears that stung her eyes. The Divine smiled softly.  
“The very fact that you ask that question, means you have already started.”  
The anchor flared. Yanking Shoshanah right out of her thoughts. It’s green sparks could be seen in the veins along her arm. She grunted and hissed in pain.  
“Shit, are you alright?!” Varric asked in alarm, catching her before her knees hit the ground.  
“My magic cannot stop the mark from growing any further. For your sake, I suggest we hurry.” Solas frowned.  
“Solas is right. I know it is difficult, but we must keep moving.” Cassandra said.

Looking up at the Breach, Shoshanah felt small. She was regularly used to the feeling. Even amongst other dwarves she was considered stunted in growth. But the Breach was massive. But too many lives were on the line to stop for even a moment out of fear. The voice that boomed around the once mighty conclave vibrated underneath her feet. She thought of what the Fade reenacted. She had tried to save the Divine. She didn’t. Along with everyone else in the Conclave, but she had tried. She’d take it for what it was worth.  
“Close the rift! Close it now!” Cassandra thundered as the demon collapsed to the ground with force that shook the very stone she stood on. Shoshanah aimed her mark up and cried out at the stream of sparks. She had to use her other hand to steady her shaking wrist. Cassandra, Solas, and Varric held their breath for an agonizing amount of time. The pressure ceased and a white and green light blinded them and sent them flying back.  
Varric groaned and stood up. He offered to help Cassandra up. Cassandra made sure it was clear to both of them she had seen Varric’s outstretched hand and consciously ignored it. Varric scanned all the winded soldiers, slowly standing up. His eyes halted on the small crumpled body directly underneath where the remnants of the Breach. Though he had hoped the whole thing could be closed, there were no demons falling out of it, so he’d take it as a victory.  
Varric stumbled over his own foot as he rushed over, a surge of panic rising over him. He didn’t know Shoshanah well, he couldn’t pretend he did. As much as she stubbornly pretended she lived up to the stereotype of a Carta dwarf, it was clear it was her defence. While he would make a shitty quip, Shoshanah would spout some empty threats. All she wanted to do was escape her family and help people. Not even necessarily in that order. No, Varric didn’t know Shoshanah well, but he wanted to.  
He found himself muttering a prayer to Andraste as stupid as it was when he reached for her and turned her over. She was ghostly pale, the mark on her hand continuously flickered and sparked like a particularly agitated green fire. Varric searched for a heartbeat in her wrist. Varric was quite surprised to find her right hand lacked her fourth and fifth fingers. But that wasn’t important. What was important was her heart beat. He grew worried when he couldn’t find it, until he calmed himself. It was there. Her heart was beating, it was just so fast, he nearly missed it. Still, not good. Something else was wrong though. Varric placed his hand on her chest. His eyes widened.  
“She’s not breathing, Seeker!” Varric cried.  
“Solas!” Cassandra called out as she dropped her knees next to Varric cradling the small dwarf. Solas’ light feet bounced off the ground. He ran with the grace of a doe, then he knelt on the other side. Leliana was barking orders to the soldiers as Solas moved Shoshanah gingerly from Varric’s lap, so she laid on the ground. He muttered several incantations and then proceeded to press both hands hard on her chest. Cassandra had seen the technique before, without magic, with impressive results, but she remembered someone pressing down with a lot more force. It was clear Solas was being quite cautious. Her small stature must have been the cause. A few minutes dragged on, within them, the snap of a broken rib echoed throughout the battlefield. It caused Varric and Cassandra much alarm, but Solas was unphased. It felt like an eternity until short painful gasps appeared to be heaving in and out of Shoshanah's chest. Varric sighed in relief, Cassandra let go a breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding, and Solas wiped the sweat off his brow. Varric volunteered to carry Shoshanah back to Haven and no one could find a reason to object.  
“Varric, how can you be so sure she’s innocent?” Cassandra inquired, keeping pace with him.  
“She might act tough, but it’s as she said, to protect people. My contacts at one point got hold of a rumour she had tried to escape her family and ended up going right back when they threatened to kill one of her servants. And she did everything you asked of her. She knew it would kill her or at the very least harm her and she did it without question. If that isn’t enough, logically, what would she gain by undoing the explosion she created.” He explained looking up at her.  
“Yes. I suppose you are right. That is true…. But how do you know?” Cassandra asked again. Varric pondered and looked back over his shoulder at the Breach. It was clearly stable now, however menacing it might appear. Then he turned back and peered down at the unconcious girl in his arms. It occurred to Varric, she had plastered on a scowl, that she had to consciously maintain. With her expression slack, her features softened. It seemed more natural on her face.  
Excited whispers echoed through the crowd of soldiers. Some pointed and stared. A few even approached Varric and asked if they could pray, gesturing to Shoshanah.  
“Maybe you just have to take it on faith, Seeker.” Varric paused. “You don’t think it was her anymore, do you?” Cassandra scowled and crossed her arms.  
“Not that it is any concern to you!” She sighed. “But you are... right. I do not believe she is guilty.”


	2. You can Lean On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bits and pieces of the conversation with Varric after Wrath of Heaven, but a lot more about Shoshanah and her past and her reluctance to rely on others.

Shoshanah crossed her arms over her chest. The same tacit she used to intimidate the scariest of Carta mob bosses from other Clans. Only, it usually worked on them. Varric didn’t react one way or another. Even most humans, whether they believed her to be a prophet or not, would scatter if they caught sight of a scowl on her face. Not Varric. In fact, usually whenever Varric witnessed that, he’d approach her and strike up conversation. Although she’d never admit, Shoshanah always loved when he did that. But right now, she couldn’t be thinking like that. She was supposed to be annoyed. The reason Shoshanah was employing the tactic in the first place was to display her irriatance at the nickname Varric had bestowed on her.  
“Bissel? Really?” Shoshanah scoffed. Varric chuckled. His normally tan cheeks were pink from the cold and Shoshanah figured the hair on his chest was probably significant protection from the cool wind that whipped across her bare abdomen. Haven was full of people. Soldiers and civilians alike bustling around the snow dusted dirt walkways or crawling in and out of the tents beside Varric and Shoshanah. Varric seemingly waited for a human inquisition soldier to retrieve something before answering.   
“Wasn’t actually sure how much dwarvish you knew. Honestly, I didn't think you’d get it.”   
“Well I did.” Shoshanah said. “I’m not even that short.” She fiddled with the strings of the antaam-saar she wore. Varric failed his attempt to keep in his laughter.   
“I’ve met a lot of dwarves in my time and can still say in full confidence, you are the smallest dwarf I’ve ever met. Hell, Cassandra had to turn to me of all people and ask if you were a child. Then seemed to be all guilty and beat herself up, mumbling something along the lines that she was racist when I informed her you were indeed a grown woman.” Varric said. Shoshanah rolled her eyes and sighed, but Varric noticed, Shoshanah never told him to cease with the nickname. “Speaking of the Seeker, now that Cassandra’s out of earshot, are you holding up okay? I mean, you went from being the most wanted criminal in Thedas to joining the armies of the faithful. Most people would have spread that out over more than one day.” The genuine concern in Varric’s voice made Shoshanah uncomfortable. Just at the mere unfamiliarity of such concern directed toward her was unsettling.   
“None of this shit should have happened!” Shoshanah raged. The profound anger in her voice was brought from the images of piles of corpses of soldiers and the charred parent clinging to their child. They had been forever seared in Shoshanah’s brain. She ignored the burning sensation the mark seemed to have settled in.   
“You don’t know the half of it. For days now we’ve been staring at the Breach watching, Maker knows what, fall out of it. ‘Bad for moral’ would be an understatement. I still can’t believe anyone was in there and lived.” Varric said. “I meant to ask how you were doing sooner, but when we went to the Hinterlands to find Mother Giselle, Cassandra was behind my shoulder the whole time. I didn’t want to make things awkward.” Shoshanah bit down on the inside of her cheek. She had a question itching her tongue.  
“If it was that bad, why did you stay? Cassandra said you were free to go.” She asked. Varric’s face fell as though he were a young boy told he was forbidden from desert for the rest of his life.   
“I like to think I’m as selfish and irresponsible as the next guy, but this… Thousands of people died on that mountain. I was almost one of them. So were you. And now there’s a hole in the sky. Even I can’t walk away and leave it to sort itself out.” Shoshanah was taken aback by his honesty. He expressed confliction and maybe even guilt. She wanted to reassure him. To comfort him, though she wasn’t entirely certain how.   
“The breach needs to be sealed. The sooner the better.” Shoshanah said with a drive that almost did sooth Varric’s fears. But he shook his head sadly.   
“You might want to consider running at the first opportunity. I’ve written enough tragedies to know where this is going. Heroes are everywhere. I’ve seen that. But the hole in the sky? That’s beyond heroes. We’re going to need a miracle.” Varric placed a wooden plank in the fire pit before looking back to her, almost shyly. With him kneeled down, Shoshanah was eye level with him. There was a nip in the air and she forced herself to hold in her shiver. The warmth of the flames flickered toward her temptingly. Despite Shoshanah’s ill suited clothes, she didn’t step closer.   
“I can’t run from this. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. I’m not a hero. I’m leagues away from a miracle. But I am someone who can close those rifts. You can be damn well certain, I will close the breach or die trying.” Shoshanah said, her words fueling the determination. She meant every syllable. And Varric knew it. As he stared at her icy gray eyes. They were the same blinding colour as the clouds of an overcast day. For the first time in a very long week, he felt hope.   
“Shit. Pretty good line. Think I could borrow it, Bissel?” She breathed a laugh through her nose and narrowed her eyes at the use of the word.   
“I suppose I didn’t copyright it.” She said. Part of her wanted to remind Varric of the autographs he’d promised, but she stopped herself. She decided to ask something else, just as if not, more difficult. Shoshanah massaged the two finger stumps as she spoke. “Um, hey, uh Varric. Mother Giselle said I should appeal to the Chantry Clerics. It’d be a long trip to Val Royeaux, but can you - do you want to…”  
“Of course, I can’t miss the most feared carta member and brash brazen Seeker try to talk sense into some clerics who hate you.” Varric wished he could shove the words back in his mouth as she rubbed the amputated fingers so hard they turned red. She was good though, that was the only thing he could catch as any expression that would have displayed anxiety was gone the moments it had come. “Obviously, you’ll be fine. I can’t speak for how the clerics will react, but you’ll do great. I’ll have your back.” Varric said. Shoshanah exhaled. A difficult feeling arose in Shoshanah’s chest. She had only ever expressed true thanks to Lantos and the Divine. Her whole life. Just two people. The fact she found herself wanting to thank someone else was as exciting as it was terrifying.   
“Toda, Varric. Thanks.”   
“No problem. I owe you one or two of those as well.” He said.   
“Me? You don’t owe me any thanks.” Shoshanah protested. Varric shifted the weight he put on each leg. His eyebrow arched in silent questioning.   
“Really, Bissel? You think I wouldn’t notice that as soon as I tell you I hate red lyrium with a burning passion, you went to every single reported spot we know of so you could destroy it?” Varric smiled. Shoshanah repeatedly made an imprint with her boot, her eyes on the ground.   
“I mean, it was on the way or whatever-”  
“We went several miles in the opposite direction to that rift we were searching for.”   
“It’s not like I did it to be nice or anything! Don’t-” Shoshanah hissed defensively.   
“Shoshanah.” She stopped playing with the snow and looked up at him reluctantly. “You aren’t in the Carta anymore. It isn’t a crime to help people. I’m a little selfish in that fact, that I just hate the damn stuff, but we’re also helping a hell of a lot of others by destroying that shit.” Varric said.   
Shoshanah was frustrated. Obviously, she liked helping people and knew it was the right thing to do. But she had to pretend for so long that she was a thug. That she was merciless. She pretended to protect herself and others, so it should have been something to affirm that Shoshanah was doing the right thing. But the more she acted, the better her acting, the more she feared she’d actually become the merciless thug everyone saw her as. She had pretended for so long, she wasn’t sure how to act normally. How would she behave if she allowed herself the freedom of not acting? Shoshanah didn’t know. And that scared her just as much. She stayed silent so Varric decided to change the topic, watching her continue to grind her red stumps of fingers.   
“What happened to them?” He asked cautiously. It took Shoshanah a moment to register what Varric was referring too.   
“Oh. Family dinner.” Varric waited for a laugh to indicate the joke, but none came.   
“...You-You're serious?” He frowned.   
“Yeah. My parents and my brother. He snitched about how I.... ‘accidently’ let someone go. So my Mum used her butter knife and yeah.” The story was so nonchalant, Varric was still waiting for a punchline.   
“When you said ‘accidently, you mean…?”  
“Chased an elf lady down, gave her money and told her to get the hell out of town. Stabbed myself in the leg. Told Dasher it was the lady and she escaped, of course.”   
“Gotcha. What happened after your Mother uh...”   
“Um, I’m not entirely sure. It’s a little fuzzy. Dasher was laughing at me, little shit. I think I went to the kitchen and punched the tea kettle to cauterize it. Stumbled to my room and passed out cold.” She shrugged. Shoshanah hated the way Varric looked at her and began to squirm under his concerned gaze. “It’s not unusual. In fact, that is peaceful compared to most family gatherings. At least no one died.” She said. Peaceful! Varric was flabbergasted. It was hard to find things that surprised him, but to speak of such an event with such indifference. As if she didn’t even it was a horrible and monstrous act to do to someone. As if she genuinely thought all parents amputated their kids digits as punishment. Shoshanah seemed to have had it with Varric’s expression of pity. “Look, if they had known the truth, I would have lost a lot more than a couple fingers. I’m grateful that that’s all it was.” Shoshanah let out a low groan of frustration. It had completely backfired. Varric only seemed more upset on her behalf.   
“Shit.”   
“Yeah, well, you asked.”   
“I walked into this one, I admit. Did you have anyone?” He said.   
“Anyone?”   
“Anyone in the Carta that wasn’t terrifying and/or insane. That actually had your back?” Varric clarified. Shoshanah remembered how honest he’d been with her and sighed as she prepared to repay it with her own.  
“There was Lantos. He was assigned to be my bodyguard on...high risk trades. But, I don’t know. It’s weird.” She dropped, silently berating her cowardice.   
“Weird? How so? Were you too…”  
“No. He’s good, but I spent all the time we had protecting him, helping him. I don’t regret it. He may call Salroka, but he doesn’t know a thing about me.” She said. 'How could he? I don't even know me' she thought, but she didn't add that part.   
“He leaned on you, but you never leaned back.” Varric summarized. Shoshanah nodded.  
"I couldn't. He was far to frightened of my family and I couldn't add to his burdens-" Before she could respond further she heard a familiar voice call out.  
“Herald!” Leliana said. Her lilting accent cut across the bitter wind like a sharp sweet song. “We must discuss how you will address the Clerics. Come now.” Shoshanah took a deep breath and locked eyes with Varric before she turned to follow Leliana who had already started to make her way to the chantry.   
“Bissel- uh Shoshanah.” Varric said. Shoshanah paused. “I’ve leaned on you for the red lyrium. And for other stuff and I’m sure I will again in the future. But I want you to know, you can lean on me. Now, tomorrow, in ten months whenever. You can lean on me.” She didn’t turn her head, but continued onward. As she rounded the corner of the path, Varric thought he almost saw the glint of a tear in her eyes.


End file.
